Are You Victimising Yourself at Work?
React like a victim or sleep on it? Sleep on it. Especially at work!!!!
A Stanford University study reported in the Journal of Personality & Social Psychology has found that playing the victim leads to a sense of entitlement and to narcissistic or selfish behaviour. Do you have even a tiny victim reaction?
In the last few weeks on my travels I have witnessed “victimism” (I love making up words!) abound. Again and again, I have heard people blaming others for their own, often false perceptions and not looking first to themselves to check their filter. There is often no pause before the reaction. Our capacity to be negative directly supports the creation of our own negative expectations – we see what we believe and feel, often instead of the reality.
American psychotherapist and writer Jake Eagle shares in his book, Reology (another made up word 😊), “The degree to which we don’t take responsibility is the degree to which we may victimize ourselves. When we experience ourselves as victims we make excuses and blame other people. Whenever we blame other people, we aren’t taking responsibility for our own experiences or our own feelings. Other people become a distraction so that we don’t have to examine our contribution to creating the mess we’re in.”
Whilst we are blaming others for our perceptions we are often creating distance & unnecessary frustration for those around us. How easy are you to work with at times?
Claudia Pierre writing for Liveconscious.com (Jake Eagle’s website), shares that “Healthy relationships require self-knowledge. If we are not deeply knowledgeable of our feelings and needs—and owning them—then we will project our feelings onto others, generating conflict and pushing others away. We need to be alert to our inner emotions in order to maintain a healthy relationship”.
How often do you get frustrated with something and decide to leave it, often because you haven’t got time, or you’ve had enough, and you sleep on it? When you come back to it you often change the approach to a softer, more thoughtful one. Then, when writing that email or having that conversation you get a good result. A result that you know you wouldn’t have got if you had just reacted.
What to do? Here are some of our top tips on eradicating your own victim reactions;
- Score yourself out of ten for how much you agree with the Courageous Counter question, “I care about people and I see the best in others”. BUT in that moment of your frustration with them…
- One of the lowest scores on our Courageous Counter comes from “I have a strong relationship with myself”, how connected are you to you? Do you check in with your inner self or just react? Be conscious of how much you just see and react outwardly vs. inwardly.
- Monitor your perceptions. How judgmental are you throughout your day? On asking, “Are you judgemental?” , people generally react “No!” But actually, throughout your day notice how many expectations you have of people, how many tiny judgements you really do make?
- Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. When something happens that frustrates you keep it the size it really is in the bigger picture, rather than flooding your consciousness with it.
- Take a break, even a few minutes before reacting.
- Slow down. When we are stretched with doing we can forget our impact and expect others to deliver all of our expectations.